By: By AJ Jones
My name is Author Jones and I have an astronomical book idea. The enjoyable subject matter is really super awesome good. Oh, I know 195,000 books come out a year, Jane Agent, and most of those sell less than 500 paltry copies. I am not famous--I am coming at you from the knowledge that simply writing a good book and going on an eight-city tour is so 2004 in terms of selling a book. But get this, Jane Agent, I have built a PLATFORM did you hear me P-L-A-T-F-O-R-M.
I, Author Jones has got it going on. Firstly, I looked in the mirror and admitted that Author Jones is just a smidge under moderately attractive and, I realized, I did not graduate from the prestigious book deal of a school, Iowa -- I'm not famous last time I checked the tabloids, no A. Jones inside.
So, Jane Agent, what I did was build up layers underneath myself, (by "myself", "manuscript" is implied) layers of shiny things. Coffee beans aren't all that good lookin', but you put them in a glossy bag with a mountain on it and some gold lettering and tell people the beans are rich and dark and that only ugly unhip losers use other beans-I don't know about you, Jane Agent, but I want me some of THOSE beans.
Grok what I did here, Jane Agent, to get the public juiced up about a writer they didn't know they wanted to own four minutes ago.
Blah, blah, blog. Author Jones is a Bloggernaut, which is not to be confused with a blah-ggernaut-Author Jones actually has something to say. I constantly read and research the enthralling subject of my book and write about what I've learned. I link to other people's like-minded blogs. I respond to comments and post pictures. I have a mailing list. I have created enthusiasts for me, (again, "me" implies "manuscript") Author Jones. I am me and people like me, they really do.
My blog not blah-g is attached to my website. This also has a mailing list of about 3,000 Author J. lovers-42% of which sit in the six-figure category. I link to other websites and promote other people's images that intrigue me and nurture the community that surrounds my endearing subject matter.
I have contributed savvy articles to magazines, newspapers and websites-I'm getting' Author Jones name out there. Author Jones has, understandably, been interviewed and quoted in other articles as an expert for his/her enlivened subject.
Jane Agent, this is only the Paleozoic Strata of my PLATFORM! Does my ginormous passion show yet? Author Jones has a heart full of big passion for the chosen engrossing subject matter of his/her book.
I check the newspaper for hot news stories. I guess, some people still read the neatly folded words that come in the box for a quarter or two. Are any of these burning yarns relatable to me? If yes, I get radio stations on the horn and get my golden pipes on the airwaves. FYIJA, I pledge to continue to do this after my book comes out.
Well, we've arrived at the Proterozoic Strata. You see, now I'm attractive in a beyond-the-mirror kind of way, like Steve Buscemi. I've even proven to Author Jones that Author Jones likes the entrancing subject matter enough to be the right person to sell and write this book.
Author Jones on MySpace? Indeed. It is true that I was initially trepidatious about a venture that seemed more for the teen set, but, it turns out there is a very active and informed book community in their 20's, 30's/early 40's-did you already know this Jane Agent? Author Jones learned through tips in Wired magazine how to infiltrate the HTML on MySpace and has created an inviting, musically and visually entertaining place for visitors. Last count was around 4,250 friends. Author Jones considers all of these friends to be close and personal "future consumer" friends.
No one wants to be the puzzle piece that crowds the picture, Jane Agent. My energizing subject matter will make people's lives better as one can see if one views any of my layers of PLATFORM. The public at large will feel fitter, funnier, less fat, more happy, smarter, hipper, sexier, and if, and only if they read the whole thing and pass it on to friends, co-workers, fellow church members, co-yoga attendees, doormen, valets, family members, loved and hated ones they will live longer and be more prosperous.
See, they want Author Jones, which is the same as buying my book. Yup.
So, Jane Agent, what do you think? I mean I could write this thing in crayon on old Denny's menus and end up on Oprah. I practically know her anyway. Author Jones and Oprah are like, thisclose.
Hey, Author Jones here. Author Jones likes you and wants you to succeed. If you need hugs and kisses then tug on your mama's apron strings and get her to bake you pie cuz that just ain't Jones' particular style... if you want to write a book, that is.
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